How to Avoid Being in Munich, in Munich

All year long, it kinda looks like Christmas.

Chances are, if you find yourself in Germany, you'll stop in Munich sooner or later. 

You may be the kind of person that will walk into the old town and discover a beautiful quaint city of eternal Christmas and fall over from excitement. 

Every year, The Glockenspiel scores just below Prague's Astronomical Clock
as "most underwhelming attraction ever."

Traditions are rampant. You can wander around a very traditional food-market, and find all kinds of bratwurst--even horse sausage! But wait, there's more! Like really big May poles!

May Poll Question: do we need a May Pole?

And after seeing all that, chances are you might want to change things up a little and see something interesting. You're in luck! There are things to do near Munich.

1. Visit Neuschwanstein castle!

Located in Füssen, a couple hours train ride from Munich, you can visit this lovely castle that inspired Disney's logo. There are some surrounding lovely mountains that you can stroll through. And a lake. Though I'd advise to to stroll around the lake rather than through it.

View from Marienbrücke: aka tourist photo bridge.

It's a magical place. You can take horse carriages or a bus to the top of the hill. But if you take the time to walk, you might get a chance get swept into a fairytale.

And meet your toad prince!

2. Visit Dachau!

For less of a fairytale, visit a concentration camp! You can get photos and ammunition against any Holocaust deniers you meet. And it's only a 20 minutes bus ride from Munich. 

Legally prohibited from inserting a witty caption.

3. Oktoberfest!

Ok, this one is inside Munich. And there's nothing I can tell you about Oktoberfest that you don't already know.

Unless you do not already know the following key points:

• It starts in September, not October. Next year the first event is Sept 20th, and the last is Oct 5th.
• If you want to get inside a beer tent and drink, make a reservation and/or get there stupid early.
• People watching is awesome: the lederhosen is pretty funny and the dirndls are super cute. 
• Accommodation is super expensive, but you can find a way to make it work.

Oktoberfest is in tents.

And if you've had too much to drink and feel the need to get rid of your alcohol, there are a huge range of roller coasters, drop zone rides, and spinning teacups to choose from!

It's like a monster county fair.

4. The Olympic Stadium

It's something like 20 minutes from the central Munich station on public transit.You can pay to do some stuff, like zip line or whatever. But if you are feeling cheap, it's also a nice place to walk around and relive the glory of sports.

It's like a miniature Mount Olympus!

A stroll on a lovely day is highly recommended, to take in the sun and sit on the grass, and admire the retro-futurist design elements.

Live your Olympic dreams and sit around in a park!

Berlin: Historically Interesting.

People go to Berlin for two reasons: 

1. History. Between the World War II history and the Berlin wall, the city is swimming in history.
2. For that all-night/all-day techno club that doesn't close between Thursday and Sunday.

Because I like to do things like sleep occasionally, I went for the first reason. 

Japanese Art Inspired BERLYN wall.

There this thing about big cities where when they get all gentrified and ritzy, the creative art scene utterly tanks. Fortunately for Berlin's artistic integrity, rent is still super cheap! You can find vibrant art things and some communist buildings crumbling into bleak ruin bars. And of course you have to visit the very nice East Side Gallery to see the most complete and bemuraled section of Berlin wall sitting around.

Amsterdam Substances Inspired Berlin Wall.

Unfortunately for tourists, Berlin is a confusing city to visit. It has many disjointed sections and an initially confusing public transit network, so if you go in unprepared, you lose a lot of time figuring out what you should be doing and where.

Museums: not quite the center of night life.

If you want to skip any sense of being in a vibrant, living city, stay in the museum district! It has all kinds of mostly reconstructed buildings to look at. Note: any really dark statues are old enough to be dirty. That's how you know they're original!

Not quite hopping.

However, it is highly recommended to walk through this district at least once: you can find a really great flea market of old stuff.. Especially if you are collecting steampunk: there was one guy who exclusively sold old binoculars. Or, if you're feeling cheap, you can settle for some communist pins.

Museum District! Vibrant! Young! Calcified!

WWII: Plenty of stuff to see.

In Hamburg, I had first encountered WWII history as told by Germans, which tended to be very carefully neutral and factual. Unfortunately, the free walking tour I took in Berlin was guided by an Englishman. Sure, it was factual and interesting, but it was more of the same history written by the winners.

Memorial to the Murdered Jews: will not cheer you up.

Actually, the walking tour in Berlin is totally worth the three hour tromp. You can, without any research, see where the museums are, and get a sense of which ones you want to visit. You'll pass the Reichstag, Checkpoint Charlie, the Memorial to the Murdered Jews, and even get to stand on top of the parking lot that covers the bunker where Hitler did his famous double suicide thing!

Bleak Blocks

In school, I know at some point or another, you studied WWII history, and whether you fell asleep during lectures or not, every corner you turn in Berlin becomes an "oh right, that happened" moment.

Decorative elements around the city sometimes give you pause.

Eagles, huh? What exactly are you locking your love to?

Well, those Eagles: they have old roots in Germany, and have been a part of their coat of arms as long ago as Charlemagne. But in a city that has such strong WWII history, it can't quite avoid reminding visitors of that period of national socialist repurposing.

Note: Not a swastika.

There are also tons of museums that talk about the run-up to the war. If you want WWII content, they've got lots.

 Berlin Wall: Also some History

There is a Checkpoint Charlie museum, which some locals warned me away from. The East Side Gallery (see above) is highly recommended if you like art. But really, you can't go anywhere in the city without seeing the marks of the wall on the ground, or sections flung up as a reminder of the way things were. 

Wall Remnants: often less pretty than East Side Gallery.

The wall went up overnight, and changed everything. It came down almost 25 years ago, and is still being milked for tourist dollars!

Big Brother's Rosetta Stone

Potsdam: land of palaces. 

If you get tired of the Berlin post-communist aesthetic, take the train out to Potsdam, and see all the fabulous palaces that rich people built a long time ago!

Pots-dayum!

Pro Tip: Take the time to actually check to be sure that these places are open! You can also see the Other Brandenburg Gate.

More like a Brandenburg Cake.

Most importantly, there is a building in Berlin that was clearly designed by a crazy cat-lady.

Crazy

Cat

Lady

Hamburg: City of Ham & Burgers

In Hamburg, it is illegal to insult swans, thus making it cool.

So let's say you've been traveling around Scandinavia for a couple weeks. You have listened to the Fox song on repeat, taken in the pines and mountains and decided that the natural beauty of the area is beautifully natural. But even in August, it is starkly obvious that winter is coming. And after buying a beer or ten, you realize you are quite in danger of going broke. You find yourself staring at your empty wallet, and you begin to daydream about the Dollar to Euro exchange rate.

Well, it's high time you get out of Scandinavia. Don't want to get snowed into the region if you want to keep your toes. Heading south, you'll hit Germany. And Hamburg is a convenient stop. Lucky for you it has some pretty statues and a rich history.

Pictured: Justice triumphs over the Hamburglar.

How should you get to Hamburg? Glad you asked. For a surprising journey that I am totally going to spoil for you, take a train from Copenhagen to Hamburg, Germany. You'll look at a map and scratch your head. There's some water in the way between those cities. You'll shrug and board the train. You assume there are some bridges.

Nope.

Your train gets on a boat. It's...a train...on a boat.

At least for a minute or so, you are on a train. On a boat. Savor the moment, check it off your bucket list, and then they make you go above deck and enjoy the sunshine. Eventually you have to get back on the train (it's on a boat, did I mention?) and the train drives off the boat into the ocean, if you're unlucky. Or maybe back onto the track. And you eventually get to Hamburg!

In the city, you will find some iconic buildings, like the Chilihaus. It's supposed to look like a boat.

The pessimist's corner office.

 There are also some statues that showcase German engineering. This one was all about hydraulics. Water bubbles, those cylinders turn, and it treads that fine line between art, fountain, and wasted public funds.

Art in motion!

Kidding about the statue. I don't know who owns it. When it comes to wasted public funds, you need look only as far as the Opera House. Originally slated to be completed 2009, the city's contract with the architects was $180 million. Now, with a projected opening in 2017, the estimated cost is a mere $785 million. Whoops.

At least it can serve as a daycare; children of the city will be able to see opera for free!

But I feel sure this modern aesthetic will go flawlessly with the rest of the buildings along the river.

Or not.

 But, if you are in Hamburg, and you can tear your eyes away from the modernist financial black hole, you should stop by the Rathaus (translation: house of rats.) Or maybe City Hall. It has a beautiful courtyard.

Pretty?

But it's really the workmanship and small details that make it pretty.

Pretty face?

And much arm waving.

Almost looks like liberty.

And, as long as you're in Hamburg, you will have no choice but to go to Reeperbahn. If you talk to locals, some of them will tell you the area isn't cool anymore. But if you are looking for signs advertising table dancing, or very normal dance clubs filled with music you will recognize from America, or for stag parties of 20 dressed as batman, you can find all of the above!