Hamburg: City of Ham & Burgers

In Hamburg, it is illegal to insult swans, thus making it cool.

So let's say you've been traveling around Scandinavia for a couple weeks. You have listened to the Fox song on repeat, taken in the pines and mountains and decided that the natural beauty of the area is beautifully natural. But even in August, it is starkly obvious that winter is coming. And after buying a beer or ten, you realize you are quite in danger of going broke. You find yourself staring at your empty wallet, and you begin to daydream about the Dollar to Euro exchange rate.

Well, it's high time you get out of Scandinavia. Don't want to get snowed into the region if you want to keep your toes. Heading south, you'll hit Germany. And Hamburg is a convenient stop. Lucky for you it has some pretty statues and a rich history.

Pictured: Justice triumphs over the Hamburglar.

How should you get to Hamburg? Glad you asked. For a surprising journey that I am totally going to spoil for you, take a train from Copenhagen to Hamburg, Germany. You'll look at a map and scratch your head. There's some water in the way between those cities. You'll shrug and board the train. You assume there are some bridges.

Nope.

Your train gets on a boat. It's...a train...on a boat.

At least for a minute or so, you are on a train. On a boat. Savor the moment, check it off your bucket list, and then they make you go above deck and enjoy the sunshine. Eventually you have to get back on the train (it's on a boat, did I mention?) and the train drives off the boat into the ocean, if you're unlucky. Or maybe back onto the track. And you eventually get to Hamburg!

In the city, you will find some iconic buildings, like the Chilihaus. It's supposed to look like a boat.

The pessimist's corner office.

 There are also some statues that showcase German engineering. This one was all about hydraulics. Water bubbles, those cylinders turn, and it treads that fine line between art, fountain, and wasted public funds.

Art in motion!

Kidding about the statue. I don't know who owns it. When it comes to wasted public funds, you need look only as far as the Opera House. Originally slated to be completed 2009, the city's contract with the architects was $180 million. Now, with a projected opening in 2017, the estimated cost is a mere $785 million. Whoops.

At least it can serve as a daycare; children of the city will be able to see opera for free!

But I feel sure this modern aesthetic will go flawlessly with the rest of the buildings along the river.

Or not.

 But, if you are in Hamburg, and you can tear your eyes away from the modernist financial black hole, you should stop by the Rathaus (translation: house of rats.) Or maybe City Hall. It has a beautiful courtyard.

Pretty?

But it's really the workmanship and small details that make it pretty.

Pretty face?

And much arm waving.

Almost looks like liberty.

And, as long as you're in Hamburg, you will have no choice but to go to Reeperbahn. If you talk to locals, some of them will tell you the area isn't cool anymore. But if you are looking for signs advertising table dancing, or very normal dance clubs filled with music you will recognize from America, or for stag parties of 20 dressed as batman, you can find all of the above! 

Top Five Things To Do Differently Next Trip

Hello dear blog-readers and facebook-stalkers!

You may have heard a rumor that I am back in the U.S. of A. This may be true. But wait--my blog last said I was in Hamburg--was that the end of the trip?

God no. There were a lot of cities. Like, a lot. Fifteen? Twenty? Something like that. Some of them were pretty sweet. You're going to have to hear about them, too, as I get caught up on life and blogging. I promise at least a couple more awesome photos. I apologize for the poor form on getting so far behind. I assure you, it won't happen again.

That aside, I gotta pause for a few moments and recognize the pure unadulterated awesomeness that was the last four and a half months of my life. I am super grateful to the confluence of events in having a job I could sort of take with me and the driving angst of the postgrad-poor-economy-fugue that allowed me to drop everything and live the dream. And to everyone I've met, that's hosted me or bought me a drink or spent an afternoon getting lost and making fun of street signs--I want to say thank you. You are awesome and you made this trip amazing x 1000. 

But I learned a thing or two with this trip. And I think next time I will do a couple things differently.

1. Stay Longer in Each Place
I wanted, during this trip, to see as much of Europe as possible. So I hit at least one city in the following places: England, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Ireland, Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Germany, Netherlands, Belgium, France, Czech Republic, Austria, Hungary, Croatia, Italy, and Spain. Sure, it was four and a half months, but if you hit that many countries, it gets to be a lot of moving around.

2. Stay with More Local Hosts
I won't say I don't love hostels, because I do. But if you spend a lot of time meeting and hanging out with other international travelers, you can miss quite a lot about the place you are actually visiting. Some of the best experiences I had were staying with cool people that lived in places I wanted to visit and/or had never heard of. 

3. Bring Camping Gear

I love European cities. I love walking around city centers and looking at architecture. But after the 500th example of neoclassical, Gothic, or Tudor architecture, you realize you just want to go camping near a goddamn waterfall.

4. Keep it Open Ended

If you have an end date picked out way in advance, new travel invitations and ideas will come up immediately before you are set to leave, and you will regret getting on the plane. Besides, you might not even be out of money yet! What business do you have going home?!

5. Pack Solo Cups (Red Cups)

"Oh, you're American? With yellow school buses? AND Red Cups!?"

While Europeans love American-style drinking games, the color choices are often limited to translucent. And that's a problem. You have to party it up in style. Forget the clothes, pack your suitcase full of red solo cups. Then you are guaranteed to make friends. 

How to Cope in Copenhagen

The dome doesn't really have a hat. It's a street light.

Copenhagen is the capital of Denmark. Like the rest of Scandinavia, it is very clean, very orderly, and ridiculously expensive. If you are traveling in Scandinavia, be warned that each country has a different currency called a Crown. This one is in Danish, so it's a Krone. And just like a fairytale, the old krones can turn into a beautiful swan! Or whatever else you decide to buy.

There really is something a touch magical and child-like about the city. Everything is a little bit whimsical under the long shadow of this guy: Hans Christian Anderson.

Hello, Mr. Anderson...

Speaking of whimsy, Copenhagen is the site of Tivoli, which is an amusement park that served as an inspiration to Walt Disney. I hear it's a lot of fun, so I didn't go.

Tivoli is also a place in Italy. Try to find the Italian architectural influences.

Amusement aside,
Especially at night, the whole place looks like a toy model of some kind.

It also contains laser fences.

Adding to the magic, this place has the best integrated bike paths and bike culture of any city I've ever seen. There are bike lanes with proper lights right by the roads, and unlike Amsterdam, bikers actually obey the traffic laws. Do they wear helmets, you ask? Of course not! This isn't Australia. 

You will see bikes parked in the middle of nowhere, and think, wow, these Danes are trustworthy! Spoiler: they're not. Though bikes are not locked to objects, they have wheel locks, so they are still pretty hard to steal, according to my free tour guide.

City then: vikings.
City now: biking.

But it's not just an urban bike park. Copenhagen has other cool things too. Like The Marble Church, a building so beautiful they stuck a fountain in front of it!

If the photo was centered properly, you could only see the fountain.
This is poorly framed. You're welcome.

The city is just full of statues and fountains! While walking from the above from the most heavily touristed point, you can see the Gefion fountain.

Cow-Plow!

But of course you DO have to make the trek to the most touristed point. What is it? Why, none other than Hans's & Disney's heroine--The Little Mermaid!

Many tourists are disappointed with the Little Mermaid statue. I had heard some people complaining that she was too little. While she is a bit smaller than lifesize, I disagree. Being little is in her job description. But she doesn't even have red hair, so I have no idea what the sculptor thought he was doing.

Though she has fins, she is not a Fin.
Probably no relation to Huck Finn.

 And if you get tired of the nice, cute orderly side of Denmark and find yourself in search of another kind of magical city, make your way to Freetown Christiania. It's sort of a commune, with roughly a thousand people, who claimed it and made it their own. It's got handmade goods and a Green Zone, in which you can't take pictures, which is a place to escape the general laws of Copenhagen and feel yourself transported back to the sixties.

They have murals. But that's not why they call it a green zone.

They  have a common law of nine rules: no weapons, no hard drugs, no violence, no private cars, no biker colors, no bulletproof clothing, no sale of fireworks, no use of thundersticks, and no stolen goods.

Seems reasonable for laws, but what about boomsticks?

No way like Norway

When you think Norway, there is only one thing that comes to mind. Or, if you are into linguistics, maybe this too.

What you may not know about Norway: it's a Scandinavia country, way up North in Europe. It's expensive country, too. They found oil, and the cost of living went waaaaaaaaay up. If you are considering a visit--and you should, the natural beauty is beautiful--be aware that a beer anywhere will set you back at least ten dollars American.

If you are rich enough, or wise enough to make Norwegian friends to stay with, you will have a great time.

Check out Kristiansand, which is a small city on the south tip of Norway. It is a pretty nice place for some light hiking.

There are some old WWII bunkers. As my guide told me, "the Nazis used to like occupying us."

Hexagons are strategic, apparently.

 And some very pretty Nature.

Rocks and water!

 But wait! There's more. Don't feel like being around unscripted nature? Try the zoo!

Kristiansand has one of the largest zoos in Norway, which is the Kristiansand Zoo and Amusement Park, called Dyreparken. It offers a huge range of animals for your viewing pleasure, both local and international. PLUS a huge amusement park section of children's stories from Norway.

You can take a ride on Captain Sabertooth's boat.

Heave o hoy!
Oh yeah. They sing pirate songs in Norweigian.

Pirate Town.
Not pictured: the huge Ikea sign a little to the right that breaks the mood.

 Have a child (either young or on E ?) that can't seem to kick a pacifier habit? Take them to the pirate's treasure trove, and chuck the pacifier into the vault. It's a coming of age ritual. All Norwegian children go through this ceremony, unless they live far away or their parents don't feel like it.

If Pirates hoard pacifiers, do they become pacifists?

 There are also wild animals in this zoo, of course.

Lynx!

 And domestic. This is a traditional Norwegian house shape. Usually it is bigger and does not contain a goat. May have grass on the roof, though. For the goat.

Serious Goat is not kidding around.

 I stayed in another Norwegian place (city? town? drivethru?), called Bø. It's a college town. Like many Norwegian college towns, in is located in the mathematical middle of nowhere. This means the town is great for college parties and hiking/any nature activities. And for getting to know everyone. I was there for less than a week, and by the time I left I could recognize approximately 50% of the population by sight.

Now, did I mention that there is hiking?

Norway: contains nature.

With views.

And rocks.

The small cities were fantastic. Make Norwegian friends. They are pretty much the best.

Oslo, the largest city in Norway, I only passed through to train in and train out. It seemed much like a city. And it had a tiger statue.

Not a native Norwegian animal.

My only regret is missing the harsh winter. Kidding.

7 Symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm. Home of the stocks.

Stockholm, Sweden, is known for technological fortitude, pirates, and that thing where you start to feel like your kidnappers are actually pretty nice people--Stockholm Syndrome. The origin of the term is, shockingly, from Stockholm. There was a bank robbery forever ago, in which there was this stalemate between the robbers and the police, and the hostages were in there for quite some time. While at first they freaked out, the robbers didn't hurt them, and they didn't want the police to hurt the robbers either. The situation resolved itself, and the robbers went to jail, but the hostages testified to their character and pleaded with the jury to let them off the hook. Later, some of the hostages were invited to a robber's wedding.  

If you visit Stockholm, you will realize the city has a similar effect on you. While initially you stay only because you have been kidnapped, you will start to love the city, and before you know it, you're invited to its wedding.

1. The Royal Palace

The story of Swedish royalty is rich with drama. The Princess married her personal trainer. 

It's pretty much the Cinderella story, but without the glass slippers. 

Third or fourth palace of the city.

This palace was designed by a guy that probably burned down the previous palace. That's how they roll in Sweden. Also with Lions.

Give him a ring.

And more lions.

This Lion's got...poise.

2. Free Walking Tours

In every city I can, I do a free walking tour. This one wasn't great. But it does give you an excuse to walk around and check out some of the awesome scenery of this nice clean city.

From a bridge.

And as we were walking, the tour guide was rendered speechless for a moment, then segued to a different topic.

An unexpected segway.

3. Old Town

Ever get all the way to Europe only to realize you forgot to pack your confederate flags? Never you worry, there is a place in old town you can by the rebel X in hat form, flag form, belt buckle, etc. 

Otherwise, old town is a great place enjoy the old buildings.

Old town, new bike.
Not a kebab sign in sight!

4. Photografiska Museum

Haven't had enough larger than life naked women on your vacation? Check out the Photography museum. While I was there, I saw an abstract series of an artist's reactions to the Japanese Tsunami. And a huge display of Helmut, which was less abstract and more full of naked women. 

I didn't take a picture of the museum because I was afraid of drowning in the rain, so here's a building I saw on the walk back to the hostel.

Archways. Most rough-hewn thing in all of Sweden.

 5. Churches

The Stockhom Cathedral, also called Storkyrkan, has a massive statue of St. George Slaying the Dragon. This statue is totally beautiful and unique.

Look at that lens flare! Added drama.

Well, maybe not totally unique.

In case you don't want to pay to go into the church.

 6. Make a wish!

This is a fountain. If you blow the seed pods off, you get your wish. Good luck.

I hear rumors there is an identical one in Oslo.

7. Go to a Pirate Party!

Maybe you are a fan of the Pirate Bay, or the Pirate Political Party. Or Pirates of the Carribean. Any way you slice it, if you get to Sweden during the right time of year, there is going to be a Pirate party for your drinking pleasure.

Why wouldn't the Pirate Bay party have a Wikipedia Wild West Theme?

There are pirates. Just sayin.

This band of pirates was awesome.
Ye Banished Privateers.

Top three ways to put a Cork in it.

6 Things to do in Cork, and/or the rest of Ireland

When you go to Ireland, you will either love or hate Dublin, probably depending on whether you love or hate Guinness. Or big cities. If you get tired of big cities, it is a good idea to check out smaller cities. Yes, you are welcome for that wisdom.
I decided to base myself in Cork, for a few days. It is much smaller than Dublin, but still big enough to find plenty of shopping and bars with live music. I took a couple daytrips to elsewhere, as explained below. But Cork does have its own attractions. Like...

1. The Butter Museum!
Just think what you can learn here! The options are limitless! How is butter made? What impact has it had on the Irish economy? Why did you just spend three euros on this when you could have bought a beer?

I know these are historical butter churns, 
but I am pretty sure that that one is a dalek

2. Visit the Church of St. Anne (Shandon)

You can set your watch by the four-faced-liar. Then reset it when you see that the time on the next side is different. And the next side. And the next side. Actually, none of the clock faces are accurate. But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that you can climb the belltower and play songs with the bells to annoy the neighbors. They provide you with papers so you can easily play a complex arrangement like "Mary Had a Little Lamb" or "My Country Tis of Thee" and deafen the other people climbing the tower if they forget to wear their headphones.

AND when I went into the church, there was a rainbow memorial.
AND not far outside the church is a memorial to Mother Jones.

Not pictured: the fish weather vane on top.
Really the best part.

3. See Saint Finn Barre's Cathedral

I went to this church only because I climbed the bell tower and took a picture of a pretty building. Then I walked around asking Corkers what the hell this building was and how could I get there. A couple of people shook their heads and asked if I was sure that I wasn't showing them a picture from Dublin. Spoiler: I wasn't.

Not pictured: Evidence that the church also has a front. 

4. Very long Daytrip to the Cliffs of Moher. 

While I would really recommend you actually take the time to go to the coast and stay in some smaller villages, you might find yourself pressed for time. I know I did. But could I go to Ireland without seeing the Cliffs of Insanity? Nope. My shameless movie tourist side prevailed, and I took a tour bus for expedience.

The bus takes you through may stops of minimal interest, including some old Druidic locations.  You get to stop and see some rocks that dissolved.

Rocks, formerly unholy. Now holy.  

And then you get to the cliffs and get to take tourist pictures.

Visual evidence I am in Europe and/or have no legs. 

And you get a couple hours to walk along the cliffs and sigh at the beauty. And read all of the signs that say things like "Need to talk? Call this number." I don't know what the jumping stats are, or how many tourists are blown off the edge while trying to take jumping pictures. But I do know that the cliffs are huge.

See that castle on top? Yeah.

5. Daytrip to the Dingle Peninsula.

I don't actually recommend taking a bus to this. Apparently the bus trip to Ring of Kerry is very good. But this was way too much time on a bus, and very little time to actually interact with the beautiful nature. Many stops in small villages that seem to cater heavily to tourists.

But the Dingle Peninsula does have some strikingly beautiful natural formations.

I want to be those people.

6. Blarney Castle

You're in Cork? Dude, you gotta go to Blarney Castle. Then you can kiss the Blarney stone, and get the gift of gab. Which is to say, you'll be blessed with eloquence for the rest of your days.

This is why I talk good.

The castle has a lot of little areas to walk around and explore. It's also a good place to relax.

Visual evidence I was in Europe and/or near a tree. 

AND you can see the Witch's stone, which kind of looks like those other dissolved stones, except vertical.

and contains a face