Rome & The Vatican: Whatever you do, DON'T BLINK.

Ahh Rome, the heart of Italy.

The Mediterranean Cyprus are the national veins if the sun hits them right.
Otherwise they're just the national tree.

Dear reader, 

I know you. You are like me. We know the danger that winged statues pose.

And they do pose.

You and I, we know Weeping Angels are terrifying. 

Under no circumstances can you ever turn your back on a statue or blink around these horrific creatures, or you will find yourself lost in space and time and cut out of existence and you'll never see your friends or loved ones again! They live in many cities around the world, but there are no cities as dangerous as Rome and The Vatican. 

Shit. This one's got a sword.

Most everywhere I went in Europe, I felt safe. I walked freely in the street, day or night, without a care in the world. But not Rome. I faced unholy legions of statues, and stood immobile, paralyzed with fear, afraid to blink, knowing that to turn my back on one of these creatures meant a fate worse than death. 

In Rome, you are not safe. You cannot cross a bridge without testing fate. 

Don't blink. Recommended: 360 degree vision.

Unfortunately, Rome and the Vatican are pretty unmissable if you ever even thought the words "art history." You might see it from afar and think you want to visit St. Peter's Basilica.

Bright Lights, pope city.

Little could you know, it's guarded.

You aren't getting anywhere near that dome.

Don't Blink.

And I do mean heavily. Guarded.

I SAID DON'T BLINK.

But if you do get inside...

It's safe, they're not paying attention to you.

Still, be careful inside the Basilica. 

Don't trust anything that looks like a Dove ad.

It's a shame that the place is so dangerous. No tourist vacation is complete without a trip to Rome. Some very old and formative history happened in Rome. If you can manage to get past the weeping angels and sentinels on pedestals, you are in for a very classical experience.

Not-quite-friends in high places.

So much history has happened in Rome, since it was built, March 17th, 753 BC. Much of it still exists in ruins that are beautiful and mysterious.

Again, watch for hidden dangers and don't blink.

Your primary mission in Rome is to eat gelato all day every day. I guess you could also visit the Colosseum. There were some fights there once upon a time. 

Gladiator? Hannibal hardly knew 'er!

Most importantly, in Rome, you see the foundations of Neoclassical architecture, by looking at crumbling classical architecture!

Some of it looks straight out of Washington DC.

Weeping Chariots?

But Washington DC did not originate this art style, funny enough. Rome did. And if you go to the Forum, you can see where Democracy began! With the very first ever incidences of land-owning males voting as the ultimate expression of freedom, and failing to see a double standard for women/slaves/everybodyelse/etc.

The very pillars of democracy!

The experience is a rich and patriotic one, visiting the crumbling remains of a marble dome-and-column-filled empire that was once the most powerful in the world. In a way it is the democratic spiritual mother of America, the dome-and-column-filled empire that still has roofing material.

As a member of the dominant civilization, you look around and wonder if there is a lesson to be learned about the rise and falls of civilization and power. Then you go buy some gelato and think about other things.

Of course, if you ask the ancient Romans, Rome's spiritual mother was a she-wolf who nurtured Rome's founders. I guess that makes Shakira America's spiritual grandmother?

Romulans and Remus.

DO NOT TRAVEL ABROAD: IT'S UN-AMERICAN AND THE WORST

Goodbye, bridge in Florence!
This is how traveling makes you feel.

Dear readers,

I have seen a pernicious rumor going around the internet lately.

There are people suggesting that "going to foreign countries" is "good" or "broadens your mind" or even qualifies as "fun".

Unfortunately, this is not true. I know young, impressionable Americans have the best of intentions, but really, it's un-American to imply that any country has things that America doesn't.

AMERICA HAS EVERYTHING AND THERE IS NO REASON ANYONE SHOULD EVER NEED TO GO ANYWHERE ELSE. EVER.

Unique? Come on!
Where don't you see these in America?

I was duped into going to several foreign locations last summer, and I am surprised I made it out alive.

As a female traveling alone, it's a miracle that I was not KIDNAPPED IN THE FIRST 30 minutes of walking around in a foreign country, and sold into an Eastern European brothel in some scary place like Budapest.

Budapest: literally contains nothing but illegal brothels
 full of kidnapped American travelers.

I didn't see one bit of hospitality from anyone at any point. Nor did I meet a single person who made me laugh or smile the entire time I was in those horrible places. ALL FOREIGNERS HATE ALL AMERICANS, AND YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE BITCHSLAPPED BY STRANGERS ON THE STREET.

Contains un-American script.

Some countries DO NOT EVEN HAVE ENGLISH AS THEIR FIRST LANGUAGE. *A few* and I do mean a very few people had a marginal understanding of English. But really there was no way for me to make myself understood or to get around in any of these un-American places. I nearly starved.

No English here either.

Please believe me, it's not worth going anywhere outside of the US.

THE USA HAS EVERYTHING EVER, AND THERE IS NOTHING WORTH SEEING IN ANY OF THE LESSER COUNTRIES.

Some places in Europe have some things that are attempting to be "new" or "different" but really look like every American street corner.

Yawn. We have ten in my town.

Others will tell you that the history of foreign countries goes back farther than American history. This is patently false. God created the universe in the seven days it took Thomas Jefferson to draft the Declaration of Independence. SO PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE THINGS THAT FOREIGN COUNTRIES SAY ARE HISTORICAL. 

Only falling apart due to poor construction.

So please don't travel. YOU WILL BE KIDNAPPED AND MURDERED IF YOU TRY. And there's nothing worth seeing either. America has everything of value.

Stay safe, stay AMERICAN.

Happy April,
Folks.

Top Three Ways to See Through your Venetian Blinders

Heading to Venice? Lucky you! I hope you like water.

Pretty much everyone goes to Venice to see a beautiful, romantic, unique city. Unfortunately, it's a challenge to get past the tourist-centered everything to find the true soul of the city. Yet it still feels, to some extent, like a city in transition from old to new.

A city with half a facelift.

Trust Venice. Allow yourself to get lost wandering the streets (not like you have a choice) and you learn to appreciate Venice for what it is now. Look around long enough, and you will realize that catering-to-tourists is the true soul of the city! 

1. Rain on that Parade

Venice has an intriguing climate that will completely alter your idea of Italy as an arid, warm place. It is said, at least by people with a solid two days of experience with the city, that the sun never shines through the oppressive overcast.

The puddles that form miniature canals through the streets of the city could drown a small child...so watch your small children if you bring them. Fortunately for any tourists walking around, vendors will sell you Disposable Neon Plastic Bags For Your Feet so you can maintain your dignity.

Get your feet wet in Italian culture! ...or not.

Despite the clear and bewildering lack of drainage in a canal/boat based city, the city-planners have their game down for making sure the tourists are not tempted to leave the round-the-block lines for St. Mark's Cathedral.

Tourists are raised up to justify the fees and queues.

2. Turn an Ear to the Canals.

With tourists producing standard tourist volume levels, it takes a while to notice the quiet. But if you happen to walk through the city late at night, you will realize quickly that something is missing. The drone of cars is gone. It's silent in a way they reserve for meditation on high mountain top. Silent in a way they reserve for horror films. Silent, except for the relaxing sound of the water gently lapping against and eroding the crumbling foundations of the Venetian buildings.

Still, water runs deep.

The novel approach to transportation is an amazing concept to ponder, as you walk and re-walk the maze-like streets looking for that one bridge that google maps assures you is there, but does not exist. Hint: go back three island chunks to get forward one island chunk.

without a car in the world...

Admittedly, a lot of the places around Venice are pretty beautiful. Or they would be, if the sun ever existed in the sky.

Every time you see something cool,
you will find you can't get there from here.

3. Window Shop. 

As you wander through Venice, you may find it to be a cold, overcast city that is half-sinking, half-painted, half-touristtraps, and half-masked. Just kidding about the half-masked part. There are approximately 347,941 masks for sale per Venetian resident.

Pick your plumage.

I confess, I love window shopping, and masks are kind of cool. Most of these would not do for every-day wear, but I'm glad, artistically, that they exist.

Venice's long history with masks began when there was a terrible fire in an Opera House, and Gerard Butler was horribly burnt...

What a load of croc. And bull. And frog.

Ok, that's not true. Maybe it's something about the Carnival of Venice, aka Mardi Gras. Which, by the looks of things, would be an event worth attending:

But really. A headless mannequin in a mask-shop window is about as useful as a...
life-size unicorn in a mask-shop window.

Whelp, that's it. That's all there is to do in Venice besides buy overpriced food and overpriced drinks and stay in overpriced hostels. But it's an intriguing place, and worth a trip to see the perpetual overcast that shrouds the city in mystery.

Zagreb: Croatia's Cool Capital.

Budapest is a tough act to follow, but if you are heading back west, why not stop in Zagreb? It's a place with a synthesis of old and new--a tough city with edge. 

Tough Kitty?

Croatia is a country renown for the natural beauty of their lakes and beaches. I strongly encourage you to visit in Summer, or at least sometime before September, to enjoy these nice nature-bits. I didn't, and it was literally freezing at night. But there is still much to enjoy in Zagreb!

Unnatural Beauty.

Great people! Cheap alcohol! It's part of that region of Europe that you can hang out for a while and not worry about all of your money disappearing via cost of living osmosis. So you can hit the town and try quite the range of Croatian drinks, which involve several brewed with honey and other berries, and a variety of artificially flavored beer! And any place where alcohol flows cheap is a good place to keep an eye on the pulse of Europe.

You make my heart beat-beat, beat-beat
like a drum for you-oo-oo 

And cemeteries! Do you like cemeteries? 

As far as free things to do, Mirogoj Cemetery is a beautiful place to walk around and tell ghost stories. Note: it is especially Pretty during the day, and less creepy. Definitely pretty with better light levels. 

Insert plot here.

And if you happen to go when it is dark you can see tons of blinking led lights left on the graves. A traditional electronic touch.

Flowers are so last century.

Don't like cemeteries? Surely you love churches. Zagreb's got that.

8-bit style, ∞-life tile.

And there's a cathedral, but don't expect to see more than half of that.

Scaffold scoff.

But it is a lovely church.

I don't mean to be arch.

What else can you possibly want out of a city? 

Yellow. 

That's a weird request, Italics, but no problem! Zagreb's got that.

Arts and Crafts Museum!

National Theatre!

Horse-statue backdrop building!

Arts Pavilion!

Bonus yellow. Trams!

So check out Zagreb! Croatian hospitality can't be beat. And be sure to try the ajvar. Have a drink or three. It might set you back $5. Go thrift store shopping, and try to find a leather jacket for under $3 (I know I did!). Eight dollars well spent! Tour the city and take in the inspiring architecture above, and the inspiring architecture below!

Maybe less inspiring. Cubist, cubist.

Hungary? Grab a Budapest.

If you're traveling Europe, you should really make time for Budapest. Why? For the awesome.

Budapest: obligatory Hungarian Parliament Building Shot.

Oh is it awesome? Thanks for the advice, Kat! I love awesome places! But why should I go all the way to Hungary? 

Good question, Italics! I trust you know I don't exaggerate. This city has significant cool points.

I ain't lion!

But really, it's up to you. You just have to ask yourself a couple of questions: do you like artistic hipster night life? The answer is yes. Explore the Pest side (East of the river). So get yourself to Szimpla if you like having a drink while staring at bright trippy graphics or while sitting in a thing formerly known as a car. If you like techno and raving, get to Instant, where you can dance under a hoarde of flying rabbits. And once you've done that, check out all the rest of the less heavily tourist ruin pubs. 

What's that you say? You don't care about nightlife? No problem! Budapest has other things too. Like what? Like, (not pictured) really sweet Thermal  Baths that you can experience as daytime therapeutic relaxation or nighttime hardcore bikini parties. Like, (not pictured) really great second hand shops and used book stores where you can find sweet finds like an old copy of Jurassic Park for 300 Forint! Like, enormous markets with literal tons of paprika and peppers for sale.

I hope you like paprika. 

And if you go to the Buda side (West of the river) there are plenty of interesting looking buildings to look at.

World's most underwhelming picture of the very whelming St. Stephen's Basilica.

On the Buda side of the river, you can see all kinds of churches and old stuff.

It's a roof with scales! Like Music! Or Justice! Or fish!

Speaking of Fish, right by the church is the Fisherman's Bastion. Which is pretty.

Pretty Bastion.

It's pretty, from whatever angle.

Lots of pretty.

At night, you can either hit up those sweet Ruin Pubs back in Pest, OR you can look longingly at the beauty that is Buda. Which contains remnants from many different time periods.

The once upon a time castle.

Still a castle.

A great place to get a good view of the city is by hiking up to the Liberty Statue, which was originally put up to honor the Soviets for liberating (in a manner of speaking) the city from the Nazis. It was later re-branded, but lost none of that blocky Soviet chic.

The rebranded communist statue

Classic yoga pose.

One thing you will notice about Budapest: It has bridges. And a river. Like many European cities.

Back on the chain bridge.

And a huge range of architecture, some of which looks like Prague, and some of which looks like sand castles.

And general old things.

In short, it's a cool city with a thriving night life and some pretty old things to look at. And if you go there during the shoulder season, it won't have the tourist overload vibe of many European capitals.

So go to Budapest. Come back from Budapesht.*


*You'll learn to say it like a local. And you won't suffer anyone to mention the city in standard English for a good six months.