Montpellier: Unicorns, spiderweb church, and floating dresses

Montpellier is the third largest city on the Mediterranean coast, which is to say, smaller than Nice (just as nice, though), and certainly smaller than Marsailles (which everyone in Paris will warn you is the crime capital of France).  But what does size matter? It's charming.

Oh, you see balconies? In Montpellier, balconies see you.

I spent an day exploring Montpellier, after my host friend had given me a map with her favorite parts circled. The city has enough going on, yet the center is navigable enough, that it is well suited to a scavenger hunt. I highly recommend it.

Here's the best parts of my scavenger hunt: 

1. A Church Converted to Modern Art!

I like churches as well as the next agnostic traveler with a love of architecture and shiny things. But sometimes I wish there were secular spaces with sweeping vaulted ceilings and an air of transcendence without the baggage of organized religion.

And lo! There are churches that convert. In Britain, some have been turned into bars. In Montpellier, Eglise Sainte Anne has been turned into a modern art gallery, Carré Sainte Anne. When I was there it was an installation called "After the Dream" by Chiharu Shiota.

postmodern ghosts and constructed spiderweb.

It was pretty surreal exhibit to walk through a space so occupied to webs of thin black threads that it was like a fog and eclipsed the stained glass and columns in favor white dresses flooded with light.

A postmodern commentary on the archaic nature of marriage and tradition
expressed as a dream of humanity, with the the supercutaneous flesh that is the air,
filled with fibres and the membranes of dreams. 

2. Creepy Child Riding an Unhappy Lion!

The Promenade du Peyrou is a lovely area where you can look at a guy on a horse and an octagonal building called Chateau d'Eau (eww). There is a nice overlook of the acqueducts. But more importantly, there is a creepy childmonster riding a lion that is not digging it.

Raw feeling in those lion eyes.

And fortunately, all that is right by the:

3. Arch of Miniature Triumphs!

Don't have time to drive around L'Arc de Triomphe in Paris? Save time and visit the miniature one in Montpellier! Note the scale against those shadowy people. It's the cute tiny version. Except this one is called Porte du Peyrou which was completed in 1693, so it's not actually ripping off Paris. Just the Romans.

Not to be arch, but I don't see the point of these structures.

4. Thing that I think is the back of a cathedral!

Wander around the old medieval looking part of the town and everything is completely different and old and medieval looking. This is a thing that looks old and medieval looking.

Monastery? Cathedral? Thing?

5. A Comedie of Errors!

A big focal point of the city is the Place de la Comédie, which is a big square with two things in it:

The Opéra Comédie

Comedically lit up at night.

And the Three Graces.

#nofilter #nomakeup #noshirt

6. Creepy Child Riding Unicorns

Let's be real, here. I saw a lot of Europe. But I didn't see enough unicorns. Unicorns are awesome. So Montpellier gets some major props for Fontaine aux licornes.

but it looks like they're doing it wrong.

Nice is nice

Nice boats.

Let's take a quiz: Why do you want to go to France?

1. Drink all the wine? 
2. Take in some culture?
3. Go swimming in the Mediterranean? 

In Nice, you can do all of those things. Well, not so much the culture part. But you go there anyway! Since 4 million tourists visit each year, statistics indicate that you probably already have. 

Azure Coast? More like the Gris Coast.

On the Auzure Coast, Nice is Cannes' and Monaco's less glamorous neighbor. If you are looking for gorgeous old buildings and quintessential French feel, there are a few things to see in the old town. (It is a very old town--people have been living in Nice since the Lower Palaeolithic age!) But most of your wandering is going to be looking at the ocean of hotels and what appears to be a less than fully vibrant economy off tourist season.

But let's face it. You're not here for the buildings. You're here to drink wine and go swimming.

Or, in the shoulder season, stick to reading on the beach.

In Nice, you'll find a large expanse of beach with many many pebbles. Fortunately for your feet, the sea smooths all stones.

They put Brighton's Fruity Pebbles to shame!

The Mediterranean is warm late into the season when eastern Europe is frigid. I did successfully manage to go swimming in the middle of October, and I do not tolerate cold. But stand warned: the Mediterranean is very, very salty.

If you look back you will turn into a pillar of salt.

I feel sure it would look vibrant on a sunny day. You could admire the boats!

Boats! Located, predicatably, in water.

And you can climb Castle Hill to see some archaeological nonsense, and see some fine views of the port and city.

Admire the complete homogeneity of the government mandated color of rooftops in the city:

Except for that one rebel yellow.

So drop by Nice, it's a fine place to spend a beach day if you are heading east or west. Because pro-tip: it takes a lot longer to get from Florence to Barcelona than you plan for.

Nine Ways to Love Paris

Don't miss this obscure monument!

How not to fall in love with Paris: Get a really cheap hostel with ratings as high as 50% on Hostelworld. (Unless, of course, you are looking for a mouse to chew through your baguettes. Then please do go for it.)

How to fall in love with Paris: Stay somewhere that does not involve mice chewing through your baguettes. Head out into the city, grab a beret, and blitzkrieg culturehop through the city!

And fair warning: you will see at least three cheesy crowd-setting marriage proposals as you wander around the city. Try not to let it get you down.

1. Photograph Fontaine St. Michel! 

Is it just me, or is his arm about to go?

This is not only a beautiful area to walk around, the crossroads of the Latin quarter, but also the meeting point for some free walking tours! And when I say free, I mean, you really should tip, or the tour guides are legally permitted to judge you.

The walking tours tend to be very good. But even if you're not into walking or tours, stop by this fountain to check out the really sweet lionbirdfish.

You don't want to meet that in a dark alley.

2. Lock your lover to a bridge!

Locke bridge: An Essay Concerning Human Understanding of Boltcutters.

Er, lock your love, rather. Because if you've got a love you are clinging to desperately, there's no better place to put it than on a bridge over troubled water.

Locking lover-padlocks to bridges is a common hobby in Europe, but the popularity of this particular bridge only boomed post some plot-point in Sex in the City. You can write your names and a date on a lock, and lock it to the bridge, and it will stay there forever, or at least until the six-month cleaning crew comes through with boltcutters and releases all those metallic commitments.

3. Look at the Louvre! 

People in glass pyramids shouldn't throw stones.
Unless you want to get arrested.

Day time, night time, the building is one impressive monument to rich people filling space with expensive things. The museum is a must-see, if only to take pictures of forty people taking pictures of the tiny Mona Lisa, which is behind excessively reflective glass. 

The collection is huge and varied, but if you like art, you will prefer L'Orangerie and d'Orsay.

4. Gaze upon Centre Georges Pompidou!

When you feel Art is a pipe dream....

Merely looking at the exterior of this ultracontemporary beauty will irrevocably alter the way you view the world. The building stands in bold defiance to the traditional "aesthetically pleasing" or "attractive" or even "remotely acceptable" buildings that exist all around it. The Pompidou writhes in dialogue with the cultural normativity of the way we, as a culture, feel compelled to hide every aspect of ourselves. It is a vigorous NO to the established norms judging physical beauty. It does not permit you to park your privilege at the door, but rather encourages you to let your preconceptions flow down one of the many available drains.  It is a building without skin, and without skin, are we not all pipes and rectangles? The elegant simplicity...[etc. etc. no pomo]...


5. Saunter up to Sacre Coeur!

We're domed!

Climb that mountain, up from the dodgy neighbourhoods, and march up to the very posh area that makes up Amelie's stomping grounds. But before you explore Montmartre, take a moment to check out Sacre Coeur, which is pretty cool if you like domes.


6. Mosey by Moulin Rouge!

Can-Pan a Performance?

Sure, it's all lit up and pretty. But once you see the ticket prices, you'll realize that you can have much more fun anywhere else in Paris. Of course, you have to drop by for an obligatory photo so you can realize exactly how strongly the cool factor was exaggerated for the movie.


7. Tour the Arc de Triomphe!

Traffic Circle of Triumph!

First built so Napoleon could feel like everyone in his army was tiny when they rode through, the arch is now a very fine centerpoint to a thriving traffic circle. Head to the Arc around sunset to see some really spectacular sunsets that don't photograph well!


8. Catch the Catacombs.

Seriously? Graffiti? Seriously?

Come to terms with the fact that you are going to have to wait in line for an hour or more to see piles of femurs and a few skulls. You are also going to see a lot of plaques of mortality-meditative French poetry, and you will really wish you could read French poetry.

Pro tip: load up a translation onto your smart phone first, because ain't no one got the time to stand around and translate it for you.

9. But seriously, DO go to Musée d'Orsay and Musée de l'Orangerie if you like art at all.

In France, Impressionism impresses you!

By all means, go to the Louvre. But if you want to enjoy art, go to these two museums. There is a lot of Impressionist stuff. (You may have thought you've seen Impressionism before, in other museums. You are wrong. This is so Impressionist it's the Impressive-ist.) They also have some other art styles. Doesn't matter. It's all going to rock your socks.

Calais on a Monday: Not Quite Hopping.

Town hall: like walking by a postcard.

In Bruges? Tired of Bruges? You might decide to take a roadtrip to Paris. 

It happens. And if you are heading to Paris, you might think it's a good idea to stop in Calais. A grand plan!

Just, you know, stop for a hot minute and remember that the days of the week do have an impact on what you can do. Are you stopping in Calais on a Monday? Yes? Oh, good! You didn't want anything to be open, right? 

Of course not! Because it won't be. 

Possibly open. But they wouldn't tell me in English.

Hotwheels and I went all over the town, looking for anything fun to do. All we found were closed doors, closed restaurants, and open flowers. 

Ok, they were pretty flowers.

So we decided to look at everything the city had to offer. And we found some super cheap amazing wine. And so we bought lots of super cheap amazing wine and planned to picnic on the beach. (This sort of activity is a good idea any day of the week!)

There were statues.

Suspiciously tilted...

For another prominent building, you can also go see Eglise Notre-Dame. On the scale of Notre-Dames, this is not the most impressive Notre-Dame in France. If you have to pick one, I'd probably recommend the one in Paris. It's, you know, a little fancier.

Not so much flying buttresses.

And for an unexpected find in Calais: a plaque dedicated to my neighbor and close personal friend, Thomas Jefferson.

Hey homeboy.

The beach is quite nice, and proved an excellent picnic location. None of that pebbly nonsense you find in Nice. It's real sand. The kind your toes dream of burying into.

Beach: contains sunsets. 

We did eventually find the one restaurant that was open in the town. It did not disappoint. Raw oysters. Fish. Wine. Perfect.