Rome & The Vatican: Whatever you do, DON'T BLINK.

Ahh Rome, the heart of Italy.

The Mediterranean Cyprus are the national veins if the sun hits them right.
Otherwise they're just the national tree.

Dear reader, 

I know you. You are like me. We know the danger that winged statues pose.

And they do pose.

You and I, we know Weeping Angels are terrifying. 

Under no circumstances can you ever turn your back on a statue or blink around these horrific creatures, or you will find yourself lost in space and time and cut out of existence and you'll never see your friends or loved ones again! They live in many cities around the world, but there are no cities as dangerous as Rome and The Vatican. 

Shit. This one's got a sword.

Most everywhere I went in Europe, I felt safe. I walked freely in the street, day or night, without a care in the world. But not Rome. I faced unholy legions of statues, and stood immobile, paralyzed with fear, afraid to blink, knowing that to turn my back on one of these creatures meant a fate worse than death. 

In Rome, you are not safe. You cannot cross a bridge without testing fate. 

Don't blink. Recommended: 360 degree vision.

Unfortunately, Rome and the Vatican are pretty unmissable if you ever even thought the words "art history." You might see it from afar and think you want to visit St. Peter's Basilica.

Bright Lights, pope city.

Little could you know, it's guarded.

You aren't getting anywhere near that dome.

Don't Blink.

And I do mean heavily. Guarded.

I SAID DON'T BLINK.

But if you do get inside...

It's safe, they're not paying attention to you.

Still, be careful inside the Basilica. 

Don't trust anything that looks like a Dove ad.

It's a shame that the place is so dangerous. No tourist vacation is complete without a trip to Rome. Some very old and formative history happened in Rome. If you can manage to get past the weeping angels and sentinels on pedestals, you are in for a very classical experience.

Not-quite-friends in high places.

So much history has happened in Rome, since it was built, March 17th, 753 BC. Much of it still exists in ruins that are beautiful and mysterious.

Again, watch for hidden dangers and don't blink.

Your primary mission in Rome is to eat gelato all day every day. I guess you could also visit the Colosseum. There were some fights there once upon a time. 

Gladiator? Hannibal hardly knew 'er!

Most importantly, in Rome, you see the foundations of Neoclassical architecture, by looking at crumbling classical architecture!

Some of it looks straight out of Washington DC.

Weeping Chariots?

But Washington DC did not originate this art style, funny enough. Rome did. And if you go to the Forum, you can see where Democracy began! With the very first ever incidences of land-owning males voting as the ultimate expression of freedom, and failing to see a double standard for women/slaves/everybodyelse/etc.

The very pillars of democracy!

The experience is a rich and patriotic one, visiting the crumbling remains of a marble dome-and-column-filled empire that was once the most powerful in the world. In a way it is the democratic spiritual mother of America, the dome-and-column-filled empire that still has roofing material.

As a member of the dominant civilization, you look around and wonder if there is a lesson to be learned about the rise and falls of civilization and power. Then you go buy some gelato and think about other things.

Of course, if you ask the ancient Romans, Rome's spiritual mother was a she-wolf who nurtured Rome's founders. I guess that makes Shakira America's spiritual grandmother?

Romulans and Remus.

DO NOT TRAVEL ABROAD: IT'S UN-AMERICAN AND THE WORST

Goodbye, bridge in Florence!
This is how traveling makes you feel.

Dear readers,

I have seen a pernicious rumor going around the internet lately.

There are people suggesting that "going to foreign countries" is "good" or "broadens your mind" or even qualifies as "fun".

Unfortunately, this is not true. I know young, impressionable Americans have the best of intentions, but really, it's un-American to imply that any country has things that America doesn't.

AMERICA HAS EVERYTHING AND THERE IS NO REASON ANYONE SHOULD EVER NEED TO GO ANYWHERE ELSE. EVER.

Unique? Come on!
Where don't you see these in America?

I was duped into going to several foreign locations last summer, and I am surprised I made it out alive.

As a female traveling alone, it's a miracle that I was not KIDNAPPED IN THE FIRST 30 minutes of walking around in a foreign country, and sold into an Eastern European brothel in some scary place like Budapest.

Budapest: literally contains nothing but illegal brothels
 full of kidnapped American travelers.

I didn't see one bit of hospitality from anyone at any point. Nor did I meet a single person who made me laugh or smile the entire time I was in those horrible places. ALL FOREIGNERS HATE ALL AMERICANS, AND YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE BITCHSLAPPED BY STRANGERS ON THE STREET.

Contains un-American script.

Some countries DO NOT EVEN HAVE ENGLISH AS THEIR FIRST LANGUAGE. *A few* and I do mean a very few people had a marginal understanding of English. But really there was no way for me to make myself understood or to get around in any of these un-American places. I nearly starved.

No English here either.

Please believe me, it's not worth going anywhere outside of the US.

THE USA HAS EVERYTHING EVER, AND THERE IS NOTHING WORTH SEEING IN ANY OF THE LESSER COUNTRIES.

Some places in Europe have some things that are attempting to be "new" or "different" but really look like every American street corner.

Yawn. We have ten in my town.

Others will tell you that the history of foreign countries goes back farther than American history. This is patently false. God created the universe in the seven days it took Thomas Jefferson to draft the Declaration of Independence. SO PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE THINGS THAT FOREIGN COUNTRIES SAY ARE HISTORICAL. 

Only falling apart due to poor construction.

So please don't travel. YOU WILL BE KIDNAPPED AND MURDERED IF YOU TRY. And there's nothing worth seeing either. America has everything of value.

Stay safe, stay AMERICAN.

Happy April,
Folks.