Florence & the Non-Machined Statues of Death & Stuff.

In Florence, there is a dome.

Size matters.

So do art skillz.

Florence values art. Some people visit and wax poetic about the ambiance for years to come. And they build it up. A lot. They'll tell you over and over just how much you'll love it.

And you will! Just as soon as you can get people to shut up about how great the city is.

but we'll burn that bridge when we come to it

If you happen to go to Florence, sooner or later you're going to see Michelangelo's  David. But if you don't want to pony up some cash to see the original, there are two fine copies around the city. One of the copies overlooks the city. 

And he has a pretty good view.

The other copy lives in the Piazza della Signoria. The Piazza is so full of statues you'll wonder if Medusa walked around checking out very active guys with sixpack abs. 

But then you'll see her severed head is looking at tourists instead.

Consequently, they stand frozen, taking pictures of statues. Especially the David.

No matter how you feel about David's weak crumbling ankles and souvenir sales of his anatomically correct boxer shorts, the statue says something. And that something is: hey Goliath, who's got five stones and is about to cut off your head? This guy.

But that's just one statue. Every statue in the Piazza tells a story. And pretty much all the stories are about brutal murder or rape. 

And thus is the true joy of Florence revealed: stone statues tell you stories instead of stoned tour guides!

And now we turn to...

The Top Five Violent Stone Statue Stories of Florence as Told by a Drunk Tour Guide!

1. The Rape of Polyxena!

Because one Xena isn't enough...
Pio Fedi, (1865) Rape of Polyxena, or, PG version, Phyrrus(Neoptolemus) and Polyxena

So there's this chick named Princess Polyxena, daughter of King Priam of Troy. (That Troy? Yeah, Italics, that Troy.) So one day, during this foreverlongwar, she's fetching water with her brother Troilus, when they run into this hot goldenboy Achilles, who is busy being the Great Hero of the army besieging Troy. Whoops. So Achilles promptly KILLS her brother and then starts moping around about the death of his bunk buddy/very close male friend Patroclus, who was also recently killed in battle. Polyxena pats him on the back and says, Oh Achilles, I, too, know what it is to lose people you care about, like, I dunno, maybe five minutes ago when you killed my brother? I get it, it sucks. Admiring her wisdom, and realizing he is down a lover, Achilles decides his best move is to convince Polyxena that he is a sensitive dude, so he tells her the sob story of his one true weakness. So she says oh, you're so deep and sensitive! Let's do next Tuesday. So then she goes home and has a chat with some of her other brothers:

Polyxena: You'll never believe it! A flaw! Achilles' heel--!
Paris & Deiphobus: Duh. He killed our brother and is besieging our city. We know Achilles is a heel.
Polyxena: He's not a--shut up. Achilles' heel is his Achilles' heel! You can KILL him with a poisoned arrow in his heel! 

So they do that.

Needless to say, ghost-Achilles is pissed, so he tells his son Neoptolemus that he is a failure of a son if he doesn't make the funeral a party. And to make it a party, all he has to do is sacrifice Polyxena on top of corpse-Achilles' grave. Neo says 'k, and he steals her away, because the Trojans are too accepting of horses. Since most of Polyxena's family is dead by this point anyway, she's all, fine, if you must. And her chastity is SAVED because, sitting on top of Achilles' tomb, she strategically rearranged her dress to make sure she won't flash the audience when they slit her throat and her corpse falls over.

The moral of this story is: you can bring a horse to water, but you can't prevent a bunch of Greeks from climbing out in the middle of the night and killing everyone.

2. Judith Beheading Holofernes!

Don't worry, Holo-man, you won't feel a thing, you drunk!
Donatello (Ninja Turtle) (1988 copy of 1460 work) 

So this Assyrian General, Holofernes, is roving about the countryside occupying the sea coast and destroying local gods on behalf of Nebuchadnezzar. Now, Holofernes has been warned against attacking the Chosen people that live in a city called Bethulia, so he immediately decides to attack the Chosen people in Bethulia. Holofernes rolls up to the town and says: If you're so chosen, how did I just cut off your water supply? Mwa-ha-ha-ha, motherfuckers! Consequently, the leadership of poor Bethulia gets together and has a council meeting along the lines of oh shit, we're going to run out of water in five days. Friends and neighbors, sorry, we're probably going to have to surrender. Unless we have a hero. The townspeople look awkwardly around for a hero. Judith, a beautiful widow of the city, stands up and clears her throat. The men roll their eyes and keep talking: And that will suck, because we'll have to bow to Nebuchadnezzer, who thinks he's a god. Judith rolls her eyes, and interrupts: come on guys, think outside the box. Or think inside the box. Or just about boxes, if you know what I mean. And we can put this General in a box. Council: What? Judith: Nevermind. Just calm down. I got this.

So Holofernes spends a day checking out the city to decide if it is worth capturing, crushing, or grinding into flour to make bread. But, being a well-rounded individual, the general is not too distracted by crushing to notice this hot chick making eyes at him. So Holofernes looks at Judith and he says hey lady, you should come by the camp later. I can pitch a tent if you know what I mean wink wink. And Judith is like, Oh, yes, Holofernes! But I hope you plan to pregame this thing. I know I will! So she spends a good half an evening putting on makeup and checking her watch to make sure she's arriving good and fashionably late, leaving poor Holofernes pregaming sad and alone in his tent until the moment she walks in, sex appeal up to her eyeballs. She instantly challenges Holofernes into a drinking contest with himself, and he readily agrees. Hours later, Holofernes is wobbling on his feet, and he turns to her and says Hey hottie, is that a sword in your skirt or are you just happy to see me? Then he promptly faceplants onto the bed/floor. So Judith heaves a huge sigh of relief that he was too drunk to get all handsy and compromise her honor. What a gentleman/drunk, she murmurs. Then she takes her sword out of her dress and cuts off his head. She gives it to an old woman servant to carry it to city council in a handbasket. And the city is saved! 

The moral of this story is: there's more than one way to get a head in life. 

3. Perseus Beheading Medusa!

Bad-idea soccer ball.
Benvenuto Cellini, Perseus with the Head of Medusa  (1545)

So there's this woman, Danae, who's cast into the sea with her Zeus-spawn son, Perseus, and they wash up on some island. Fast forward to Perseus being big and strong, and Polydectes, King of the island, demanding Danae to be his wife. Danae is all no, you're ugly and you smell. So Polydectes tricks Perseus into promising him the head of the Gorgon Medusa. And Perseus is like fine, whatever, I know you're just trying to get me out of the way, but my pride is too big to do anything about it. Now what is a medusa?

(Good question, Perseus. Basically an ugly chick with hair made of snakes and eyes that turn you to stone. There are some stories that Medusa and the gorgons sprang into being out of hate. Ovid prefers the more problematic version, in which Poseidon rapes the gorgeous Medusa in Athena's temple, which enrages Athena, so she turns Medusa's face stone-ugly and her hair to snakes. One might consider this victim-blaming and a misplaced punishment. However, this negative interpretation disregards how cool it would be to have hairsnakes.)

So Perseus goes out and quests and finds three old women with only one eye between them, and steals it when one is handing it to another. And he's like Listen up witches! Lead me to some nymphs that will give me stuff to defeat Medusa, or it's Ping-Pong. And they're like fine, we'll take you there, but seriously how can we see to walk? Somehow they all manage to get to the nymphs. He lets the old ladies go, and it's Christmas for Perseus. The gods got his memo, and he has to sit around for hours, unwrapping gifts from the gods. From Athena, a mirror-polished shield, Hermes, some cool shoes that fly, Zeus an adamantine sword and Hade's helmet of invisibility. Oh, and a bag to store the gorgon's head. 

So Perseus walks through a field of stone statues of men until he gets to the gorgon lair. He thinks a lot about what pose he would like to be as a statue, then wises up and starts walking backwards, using Athena's mirror. Perseus follows the sounds of snakes snoring to find Medusa sleeping, and decapitates her. Success! Win! And after this great act of heroism,everything continues to work out for male privilege Perseus. 

The moral of the story is: there's more than one way to get a head of snakes.

4. The Rape of the Sabine Women!

This was one block of marble.
Giambologna, The Rape of the Sabine Women (1574-82)

So there's this king, Numitor, who has a daughter named Rhea Silvia. Unfortunately for Rhea, her brother, Amulius, is a jerk, and kills all the king's male heirs and forces her to be a vestal virgin. But the god of war doesn't care, and bam! She's knocked up and gives birth to twins named Romulus and Remus. Unfortunately for Rhea, Amulius finds out. So Rhea's like but really, the gods made them you can't kill them. And Amulius is all watch me, I'm throwing them in the river! 

Unfortunately for Amulius, the babies wash downstream where they are picked up and nursed back to health by a lactating she-wolf and a friendly woodpecker. Then some shepards. But you can't keep royalty down, and the brothers decide they need to found a city. 

Romulus: Hey, let's found a city on Palentine Hill. 

Remus: That's stupid. We should found it on Aventine Hill. 

Romulus: It seems like I'll win this argument if you're dead. 

Remus: *dead* Yeah, probably.

So Romulus founds the city and Rome flourishes into being! Male refugees come from all over to join his army and glory in the burgeoning republic! But deep down, Romulus realizes that something is missing. 

Romulus: *sigh* Oh ghost-Remus, something is incomplete in my world. 

Ghost-Remus: Oh, what ever is the matter brother? Do you feel like you're all alone in the world. Like your other half is missing? I wonder why that could--

Romulus: You're right! I need a lady-friend. 

Ghost-Remus: Not really what I was getting at. I think you should admit you were wrong to--

Romulus: Yes, a lady-friend. I need a lady-friend. My citizens all need lady-friends. We'll steal some lady-friends from the Sabine tribe nearby. Thanks for your advice Ghost-Remus!

Ghost-Remus: *sigh*

And so Romulus and his posse of Romans abduct all these women from the Neptune Equester festival and offer them all the chance of honorable marriage. And everyone is happy, except for everyone that didn't really want to be abducted, and everyone that dies in the ensuing war.

The moral of this story is: nutritional deficits in wolf-milk just might leave children with some developmental impairments. 

5. Hercules  Breaking Nessus!

A great example of "Torso Torsion" which would be a great band name.
Giambologna (1599), Heracles and Nessus

So...as near as I can figure, this fight didn't actually happen as seen above. It would have gone a whole lot better for everyone involved if Hercules had killed Nessus with a blunt object in single combat. Bloodless coup. But that's NOT what happened.

The problem was...so there's this Centaur, Nessus, who's kind of a jerk. One day Hurcules and his second wife Deianira decide to cross a river. Nessus, chillin nearby kindly offers to give them a ride. So he picks up Deianira and takes her across a river. And then tries to take her, across the river, if you know what I mean. Seeing this about to happen from the other bank, Hercules says nope, whole lotta nope, and shoots Nessus with an arrow tipped in poison from the Hydra. 

With his dying breath Nessus turns to his would-be victim and whispers: hey girl, I know I was about to ravage you and all, but you can trust me. As a reward for all of this, you can use my blood to make Hercules love you forever. And Deianira says: well, I guess it can't hurt to just keep some centaur blood around forever just in case. And that's not weird, because Hercules did the same thing with that Hydra poison. 

So they go on with their journey and the centaur's dead and everything's great. Fast-forward years or something. So Hercules is hot stuff, and Deianira knows this. So when she sees him making eyes at some other woman, she thinks, hey, I'd better put some Centaur blood on his shirt when he goes and hangs out with his friends today. And when he puts on the shirt he burns with poison and jumps into a fire and dies. 

The moral to this story is: Don't wear shirts. Shirts will kill you. 

6. The Common Man takes His Last Step!

One small step for mankind...
Chet Abraham (2011) Common Man

Ok, this is on a nearby bridge, not in the Piazza. But a suicide statue seemed to fit the list.

So once upon a time, there is a very common man who is full of angst and vandalizes street signs into clever pictures that make you rethink signs and symbols and space. But one day he decides, in a cubist and abstracted sense, that life isn't worth living, so he cleverly put this statue on a bridge without the permission of authorities, in a cry for help. Fortunately for him, the statue is rescued, because suicide and unwanted statuary are against the law. But everyone loved it, so the statue went right back up about to take that fatal step.

And to this day, the common man has failed to complete his suicide.

It's probably the only thing in Florence not based on myth.

The moral of this story is: contemporary art is too postmodern to convey narrative, which sucks for storytelling. 

So go to Florence. Enjoy the statues. It's an idyllic location to mull over this subtext of brutal history and death while you subsist on a diet of cannoli and gelato. Maybe, maybe, Florence can win you over despite the hype.

Afterall, it does have a river of fire.

Rome & The Vatican: Whatever you do, DON'T BLINK.

Ahh Rome, the heart of Italy.

The Mediterranean Cyprus are the national veins if the sun hits them right.
Otherwise they're just the national tree.

Dear reader, 

I know you. You are like me. We know the danger that winged statues pose.

And they do pose.

You and I, we know Weeping Angels are terrifying. 

Under no circumstances can you ever turn your back on a statue or blink around these horrific creatures, or you will find yourself lost in space and time and cut out of existence and you'll never see your friends or loved ones again! They live in many cities around the world, but there are no cities as dangerous as Rome and The Vatican. 

Shit. This one's got a sword.

Most everywhere I went in Europe, I felt safe. I walked freely in the street, day or night, without a care in the world. But not Rome. I faced unholy legions of statues, and stood immobile, paralyzed with fear, afraid to blink, knowing that to turn my back on one of these creatures meant a fate worse than death. 

In Rome, you are not safe. You cannot cross a bridge without testing fate. 

Don't blink. Recommended: 360 degree vision.

Unfortunately, Rome and the Vatican are pretty unmissable if you ever even thought the words "art history." You might see it from afar and think you want to visit St. Peter's Basilica.

Bright Lights, pope city.

Little could you know, it's guarded.

You aren't getting anywhere near that dome.

Don't Blink.

And I do mean heavily. Guarded.

I SAID DON'T BLINK.

But if you do get inside...

It's safe, they're not paying attention to you.

Still, be careful inside the Basilica. 

Don't trust anything that looks like a Dove ad.

It's a shame that the place is so dangerous. No tourist vacation is complete without a trip to Rome. Some very old and formative history happened in Rome. If you can manage to get past the weeping angels and sentinels on pedestals, you are in for a very classical experience.

Not-quite-friends in high places.

So much history has happened in Rome, since it was built, March 17th, 753 BC. Much of it still exists in ruins that are beautiful and mysterious.

Again, watch for hidden dangers and don't blink.

Your primary mission in Rome is to eat gelato all day every day. I guess you could also visit the Colosseum. There were some fights there once upon a time. 

Gladiator? Hannibal hardly knew 'er!

Most importantly, in Rome, you see the foundations of Neoclassical architecture, by looking at crumbling classical architecture!

Some of it looks straight out of Washington DC.

Weeping Chariots?

But Washington DC did not originate this art style, funny enough. Rome did. And if you go to the Forum, you can see where Democracy began! With the very first ever incidences of land-owning males voting as the ultimate expression of freedom, and failing to see a double standard for women/slaves/everybodyelse/etc.

The very pillars of democracy!

The experience is a rich and patriotic one, visiting the crumbling remains of a marble dome-and-column-filled empire that was once the most powerful in the world. In a way it is the democratic spiritual mother of America, the dome-and-column-filled empire that still has roofing material.

As a member of the dominant civilization, you look around and wonder if there is a lesson to be learned about the rise and falls of civilization and power. Then you go buy some gelato and think about other things.

Of course, if you ask the ancient Romans, Rome's spiritual mother was a she-wolf who nurtured Rome's founders. I guess that makes Shakira America's spiritual grandmother?

Romulans and Remus.

DO NOT TRAVEL ABROAD: IT'S UN-AMERICAN AND THE WORST

Goodbye, bridge in Florence!
This is how traveling makes you feel.

Dear readers,

I have seen a pernicious rumor going around the internet lately.

There are people suggesting that "going to foreign countries" is "good" or "broadens your mind" or even qualifies as "fun".

Unfortunately, this is not true. I know young, impressionable Americans have the best of intentions, but really, it's un-American to imply that any country has things that America doesn't.

AMERICA HAS EVERYTHING AND THERE IS NO REASON ANYONE SHOULD EVER NEED TO GO ANYWHERE ELSE. EVER.

Unique? Come on!
Where don't you see these in America?

I was duped into going to several foreign locations last summer, and I am surprised I made it out alive.

As a female traveling alone, it's a miracle that I was not KIDNAPPED IN THE FIRST 30 minutes of walking around in a foreign country, and sold into an Eastern European brothel in some scary place like Budapest.

Budapest: literally contains nothing but illegal brothels
 full of kidnapped American travelers.

I didn't see one bit of hospitality from anyone at any point. Nor did I meet a single person who made me laugh or smile the entire time I was in those horrible places. ALL FOREIGNERS HATE ALL AMERICANS, AND YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE BITCHSLAPPED BY STRANGERS ON THE STREET.

Contains un-American script.

Some countries DO NOT EVEN HAVE ENGLISH AS THEIR FIRST LANGUAGE. *A few* and I do mean a very few people had a marginal understanding of English. But really there was no way for me to make myself understood or to get around in any of these un-American places. I nearly starved.

No English here either.

Please believe me, it's not worth going anywhere outside of the US.

THE USA HAS EVERYTHING EVER, AND THERE IS NOTHING WORTH SEEING IN ANY OF THE LESSER COUNTRIES.

Some places in Europe have some things that are attempting to be "new" or "different" but really look like every American street corner.

Yawn. We have ten in my town.

Others will tell you that the history of foreign countries goes back farther than American history. This is patently false. God created the universe in the seven days it took Thomas Jefferson to draft the Declaration of Independence. SO PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE THINGS THAT FOREIGN COUNTRIES SAY ARE HISTORICAL. 

Only falling apart due to poor construction.

So please don't travel. YOU WILL BE KIDNAPPED AND MURDERED IF YOU TRY. And there's nothing worth seeing either. America has everything of value.

Stay safe, stay AMERICAN.

Happy April,
Folks.

Top Three Ways to See Through your Venetian Blinders

Heading to Venice? Lucky you! I hope you like water.

Pretty much everyone goes to Venice to see a beautiful, romantic, unique city. Unfortunately, it's a challenge to get past the tourist-centered everything to find the true soul of the city. Yet it still feels, to some extent, like a city in transition from old to new.

A city with half a facelift.

Trust Venice. Allow yourself to get lost wandering the streets (not like you have a choice) and you learn to appreciate Venice for what it is now. Look around long enough, and you will realize that catering-to-tourists is the true soul of the city! 

1. Rain on that Parade

Venice has an intriguing climate that will completely alter your idea of Italy as an arid, warm place. It is said, at least by people with a solid two days of experience with the city, that the sun never shines through the oppressive overcast.

The puddles that form miniature canals through the streets of the city could drown a small child...so watch your small children if you bring them. Fortunately for any tourists walking around, vendors will sell you Disposable Neon Plastic Bags For Your Feet so you can maintain your dignity.

Get your feet wet in Italian culture! ...or not.

Despite the clear and bewildering lack of drainage in a canal/boat based city, the city-planners have their game down for making sure the tourists are not tempted to leave the round-the-block lines for St. Mark's Cathedral.

Tourists are raised up to justify the fees and queues.

2. Turn an Ear to the Canals.

With tourists producing standard tourist volume levels, it takes a while to notice the quiet. But if you happen to walk through the city late at night, you will realize quickly that something is missing. The drone of cars is gone. It's silent in a way they reserve for meditation on high mountain top. Silent in a way they reserve for horror films. Silent, except for the relaxing sound of the water gently lapping against and eroding the crumbling foundations of the Venetian buildings.

Still, water runs deep.

The novel approach to transportation is an amazing concept to ponder, as you walk and re-walk the maze-like streets looking for that one bridge that google maps assures you is there, but does not exist. Hint: go back three island chunks to get forward one island chunk.

without a car in the world...

Admittedly, a lot of the places around Venice are pretty beautiful. Or they would be, if the sun ever existed in the sky.

Every time you see something cool,
you will find you can't get there from here.

3. Window Shop. 

As you wander through Venice, you may find it to be a cold, overcast city that is half-sinking, half-painted, half-touristtraps, and half-masked. Just kidding about the half-masked part. There are approximately 347,941 masks for sale per Venetian resident.

Pick your plumage.

I confess, I love window shopping, and masks are kind of cool. Most of these would not do for every-day wear, but I'm glad, artistically, that they exist.

Venice's long history with masks began when there was a terrible fire in an Opera House, and Gerard Butler was horribly burnt...

What a load of croc. And bull. And frog.

Ok, that's not true. Maybe it's something about the Carnival of Venice, aka Mardi Gras. Which, by the looks of things, would be an event worth attending:

But really. A headless mannequin in a mask-shop window is about as useful as a...
life-size unicorn in a mask-shop window.

Whelp, that's it. That's all there is to do in Venice besides buy overpriced food and overpriced drinks and stay in overpriced hostels. But it's an intriguing place, and worth a trip to see the perpetual overcast that shrouds the city in mystery.

Zagreb: Croatia's Cool Capital.

Budapest is a tough act to follow, but if you are heading back west, why not stop in Zagreb? It's a place with a synthesis of old and new--a tough city with edge. 

Tough Kitty?

Croatia is a country renown for the natural beauty of their lakes and beaches. I strongly encourage you to visit in Summer, or at least sometime before September, to enjoy these nice nature-bits. I didn't, and it was literally freezing at night. But there is still much to enjoy in Zagreb!

Unnatural Beauty.

Great people! Cheap alcohol! It's part of that region of Europe that you can hang out for a while and not worry about all of your money disappearing via cost of living osmosis. So you can hit the town and try quite the range of Croatian drinks, which involve several brewed with honey and other berries, and a variety of artificially flavored beer! And any place where alcohol flows cheap is a good place to keep an eye on the pulse of Europe.

You make my heart beat-beat, beat-beat
like a drum for you-oo-oo 

And cemeteries! Do you like cemeteries? 

As far as free things to do, Mirogoj Cemetery is a beautiful place to walk around and tell ghost stories. Note: it is especially Pretty during the day, and less creepy. Definitely pretty with better light levels. 

Insert plot here.

And if you happen to go when it is dark you can see tons of blinking led lights left on the graves. A traditional electronic touch.

Flowers are so last century.

Don't like cemeteries? Surely you love churches. Zagreb's got that.

8-bit style, ∞-life tile.

And there's a cathedral, but don't expect to see more than half of that.

Scaffold scoff.

But it is a lovely church.

I don't mean to be arch.

What else can you possibly want out of a city? 

Yellow. 

That's a weird request, Italics, but no problem! Zagreb's got that.

Arts and Crafts Museum!

National Theatre!

Horse-statue backdrop building!

Arts Pavilion!

Bonus yellow. Trams!

So check out Zagreb! Croatian hospitality can't be beat. And be sure to try the ajvar. Have a drink or three. It might set you back $5. Go thrift store shopping, and try to find a leather jacket for under $3 (I know I did!). Eight dollars well spent! Tour the city and take in the inspiring architecture above, and the inspiring architecture below!

Maybe less inspiring. Cubist, cubist.