Scotland: contains castles

Oh hey there. 

Where did we leave off? Scotland. Edinburgh. Yes. Edinburgh was a great small city in Scotland. But once you've sampled some haggis, history, and whisky, you want more out of Scotland.

Just kidding, except for sheep, that's pretty much all you can find in the country. And one great place to find the history bits is: CASTLES!

On our adventure we sampled several fine castles. They each had a robust bouquet and a stony palate. They also tend to be on hills.

Not a castle. Tower: seen from a castle.

First up, we sampled Stirling castle.

Color scheme: Stirling Silver. Hi ho!

It was, very much, a castle. Even had people dressed up in period costumes. Not many, but some. You push a button and they tell you about the history of the castle. You nod politely and consider gouging out your eyes when you notice the medieval codpieces. Instead you think just how far fashion has come in this day and age, and aggressively admire the castle.

Stirling: kind of a hike. You will regret packing too many siege engines.

But wait, there's more! 

Not only can you find lots of random historical castles in Scotland, you can also find one (well, four in one) of the most important castles from the time of medieval Arthur. 

I'm talking Camelot, the temptation of sir Galahad, outrageous French accents, the works! 

Duane castle: filming grounds for every castle ever in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Awesome? Awesome. Made more awesome by the well-produced Audioguide that is actually narrated by a Python! (Fortunately, it's not in parseltongue.) 

Needless to say, it's a silly place.

Despite the deep cultural significance of the castle, it is not overrun with tourists, so it's a nice break from the hordes.

This castle has seen better days: perhaps it was damaged
via Trojan Rabbit assault.

The staff is friendly, and the audio guide kindly gives you information about the history of the castle, and which rooms were used for what in filming. But really, the staff is thoughtful. They don't want their guests to get tired, so they offer mounts for traversing the castle and ground. Yes, folks, coconuts are available upon request. 

Not pictured: me and friends galloping around the courtyard
with coconuts.

But wait, there's more! 

Scotland also contains ruins! In the middle of nowhere and unattended. This thing was a medieval fort that had a less medieval fort built on top of it:

Not recommended if you are trying to stay out of the rain.

If you want to go up to Loch Ness, you will run into Inverness, a very pretty, very small city.

Pretty! Yeah, it's pretty much just this one bridge.
Small place.

But since you've come all the way to Inverness, you gotta go up and see Loch Ness. One way to do this: visit Urquhart castle. It's a castle that was blown up by its defenders because they knew they were going to lose. Always thereafter, the place has been cursed, and always rains.

Well, I'm just conjecturing about the last bit, but it did rain quite a lot while we were there. So did all of Scotland, come to think of it.

Loch Ness is behind he castle. This is a view from the castle tower:

Rocks and water! My favorite!

Unfortunately, it wasn't deserted. The hordes were coming to attack and lay waste to the castle. AGAIN.

Despite the tourist bait on the boat, Nessie did not bite.

So yeah. Castles. Scotland has them. It also has whisky. We went to Tomatin distillery, and I think I figured out a scene for the next horror story I write. This is the inside of a whisky still thing:

Yikes.

But IRL, it doesn't turn into a horror film, it turns into whisky. And FYI, these Scottish distilleries have been mostly bought up by Japanese companies, because they were tired of Sake.

30 something year old casks? I would tap that.

If you explore the highland, you will find the other Scottish treasure: Highland cows.

Moo.

So, dear friends, if you ever find yourself on a road trip in Scotland, bring an umbrella or twelve, and a raincoat, or twelve. Because, really. You will find castles and whiskey, but above all: there will be rain.

Scotland: contains rain.

Edinburgh, more like edinburrrrr

Scotland, or, the start of cold. In my travels through England, the weather was a heatwave induced perfect. Wales, mostly perfect. Scotland: I don't think I saw blue in the sky once. And when it rains, it isn't actually all that warm. It's pretty much got that San Francisco summer chill. By which I mean surprise frostbite or a light jacket.

So we decided to check out Edinburgh. Spoiler: there's a castle in the middle of the city! It's really quite hard to avoid. But why would you want to?

Castle rock; party rock.

At night, the castle is lit up with a haunting blue glow. Hope you like ghost castles. I know I do!

Ghooooossssttttt

Really, you can see the castle from everywhere in the city. Here's another view:

But really it's the frame you should care about.

Really, the important part of that picture is the window frame. Why? I'm glad you asked. This window happens to be the window in The Elephant House, which is a cafe. It's a view that's cited as an inspiration point for the famous literature that was composed in that very cafe. What literature? Oh, I don't know, a little obscure book and second book something to do with a boy wizard.

Elephants: not present in Harry Potter.

The cafe sticks to its elephantine roots, and doesn't make a big deal of it. Except for the bathrooms. They're pretty moving, covered with graffiti of thank you notes from readers to Rowling. And I hear there's something about "wands at the ready" in the men's room by the urinal. I did not investigate.

And just outside of the cafe is a graveyard with a lot of very familiar names.

He Who Should Not be Named.
This gravestone needs to get with the program.

Though the above is currently the most photographed grave in Edinburgh, it is a city with many really remarkable gravestones. There was a massive plague, so the graphic designers of the gravestone age tried to warn graverobbers and necrophiles that to mess with the graves would land you in your own grave right quick.

Plaguing stones:

Or it commemorates a dancing skeleton.
Maggie Dickson?

Or, more simply:

Yo, ho! A Pirate's Death for Me?

But really. Absolutely the most important thing to do in Edinburgh is to go on one of the free walking tours. Our guide knew his shit, and could bring the stories of the city to life. Plague stories, medieval punishment stories, Maggie Dickson the undead celebrity stories, and the history of the castle. It was a three hour stroll of entertainment and history. In a good way.

To keep it relevant, the guide demanded a volunteer when we got to the medieval punishment block. One of my fine traveling companions shoved me forward, so I stumbled up to the punishment octagon to learn the tragic story of my hypothetical medieval life.

I made appropriately sad faces while the guide narrated the medieval justice that would result after my husband died in the military and I was caught stealing bread to feed my three starving children. Without trial or jury, the shopkeepers would have arranged to nail my ear to the punishment octagon, and I would have to stand there for a day without a babysitter, food, water, bathroom breaks, or any food for my starving children. If I couldn't hack it, and tore myself away from the block, I would be marked forever as a thief. There would be shunning, and poor medieval thief would have no recourse but to turn tricks at the docks and face a guaranteed death by syphilis after two years.

Oh dear!

Now all the punishment octagon is used for is royal pronouncements, which are proclaimed exactly three days after the news is released from London. On the bright side, the several-days gap will prevent the town criers from being duped by fake celebrity deaths on Twitter. 

England: Middle Bits

If you go to London, you will be left with the impression that England is entirely populated by tourists.

To learn that England is not entirely populated by tourists, stay with real English people! I was the guest of some very lovely people in the middle of nowhere! This involved a lovely thatched roof cottage, which was older than America (the cottage, not the people). It was a really great break from tourists. Tourists are the bane of my vacation! (Clearly, there is no double standard here...)

The town was very small, and very cute. It had a church that was very small and very cute.

Proportional place of worship!

With faces! 

Stone cold.

And from this tiny town, we took a day trip to the much larger but pretty small city of Lincoln. This city contained a very large Cathedral. Perhaps disproportionately large.

Small town, big cathedral.

This Lincoln cathedral is pretty huge and elaborate. Much less cozy than the tiny church. Contains highly elaborate stonework. Such as the green man hiding in an archway below: 

Decoration within decoration,
because the masons had nothing better to do.

And drove over a massively enormous bridge, which was once upon a time the longest suspension bridge in the world. Now it's not the largest, but it remains disproportionately massive.

Bridge in the middle of nowhere: suspension of disbelief
made easy.

This is getting disordered--somewhere in there, in England, I went out driving with a couple of cool people. No, of course I didn't drive, I would have ended up in the wrong lane, and it would've been awkward.

We blazed by the Stratford upon Avon tourist trap.

House: not quite authentic.

Really, the most authentic part was the gift shop!

Not pictured: Shakesbear shirts. 

And Stonehenge! We found some stones.

Stonehenge is a dish best served old.

Oh yeah, and there was Liverpool.

I still have no idea why these towers were being towed...

The straws that broke the Costa's roof.

Very unfortunately, I ran out of time and didn't get to see the slavery museum. I wanted to compare/contrast the presentation to Virginia's approach. (Later, in Glasgow, I went on a slavery walking tour, which was all about merchant triangle traders. Sorry, the chronology is starting to fracture around the edges). But I did see the Beatles museum! It was a rare example of audio tour done right.

And you can't hang out in Liverpool without going to the precise and detailed replica of the most popular venue of the Beatles' heyday. The Cavern!

Second Cavern replica I walked into that day.

Unforgivably unchronological tangent:
Back in London, once upon a time there was a train station:

How do you know when the King's Cross?

And I think that's about it for England.

Swan heard Mumbles, but what did the Swansea?

Wales Part III:

Good God! Are we still in Wales? You are so behind on your blog! At least get to Scotland before you leave Ireland! Sheesh.

Ahem.

As I was saying, I was instructed by those in the know that the cities are not the reasons to go to Wales. That the natural beauty and sea cliffs are where it's at. Thanks to those in the know, I definitely had to check out Swansea.

Not pictured or present anywhere: swans.

It was decided that a boat tour was necessary. I learned quite a lot about the coal history of the region. I think. Maybe learning was the wrong word. It was a whole lot more industrial than I ever dreamed. And they have bubblers in the river so the fish won't die. JUST LIKE THE POND AT HOME.

Irrelevant: ducklings.

And that was cool. But I had wanted to see some things in Swansea, like, I don't know, any of their museums. Bad luck for me: the entire city was under construction, so all the museums were closed.

Good luck for me: the Mumbles are just a short bus ride away! And they had a castle!

When choosing a preservative, remember:
salt > direct assault by an army.

The castle was nice and quiet but for the sound of pigeons cooing. They also had a great view of the other Mumbly bits:

Pier also closed for construction.

Fortuitously, neither ocean nor rocks were closed for construction!

Scale note: It's a lighthouse, not a milk bottle.

There were also some more rocks and ocean bits:

Why is the sky more washed out than shore?

And you could walk on rocky bits:

It was pretty. 

That's obviously too many pictures of ocean and rocks. Here's a famous Swansean boat:

You have to wonder just what the quote marks are implying.

Overall, Mumbles was a wonderful harmonious area. It was quiet, as mumbling is mandated by law. I even saw some nature running around, coexisting in peace.

Bunnies. I was reminded not to trust them in a future episode.

It was a really great place to wander around and appreciate the nature things. It also answered a question that has plagued me for years: 

What would Red XIII look like as a boat? 

Answer: Pretty Badass.

Did I mention there were rocks and water?

Note: picture contains rocks and water.

It's great in person. Trust me.

Pembroke: All the Stairs. Tenby: more like 10-Sea.

Despite the good Doctor, it doesn't take too long to run out of things to do in Cardiff. Sure, you can sit around the glorious sun filled bay and drink cider. But when in Wales, consider taking the time to see some nature. Sea-cliffs come highly recommended.

I wandered around for a couple days. Heard there were some castles in the country. I decided to go to Pembroke Castle.

This was no simple voyage. A three point five hour train ride that turned into a three hour train ride plus an hour of bus and waiting for the bus. See, we were most of the way there when one of the train cabins started filling with smoke and the train just kind of stopped. But they fixed it enough to get us to the next station and dump us unceremoniously onto the pavement! It's cool, they sent a bus. Seven sunburns later, the bus arrived, and I finally reached the land of Pembroke.

Medieval-era learning tent outside.

It was a strikingly well preserved medieval castle, with all the charm of bare stone castles. Plus displays inside with mannequin/sculptures acting out historical scenes. I couldn't decide if it was cheesy or creepy. Maybe just cheapy. But it DID have a tall tower with a very high ceiling. I think there used to be intermediate floors. The obvious upshot: THE TOWER INSIDE LOOKS LIKE AN ARTISTIC ROBOT EYE.

Do castle towers dream of Welsh sheep?

So Pembroke was nice, but it didn't have sea cliffs.

Note the distinct lack of sea cliffs.

So I took the advice of the nice people I had been train-stranded with, and took the first train to Tenby, which was back towards Cardiff. (Yes, this was a psychotically planned daytrip).

Lo and behold, though I could have sworn I smelled smoke, the train transported me safely to Tenby!

Rocky ain't got nothin on this.

In case you aren't well versed in Welsh beach hotspots, Tenby is a picturesque beach community with cute shops and a medieval wall jutting out of the cliffs. It even has sand!

Sand > Brighton's pebbles

It was a beautiful day. I'm talking sunshine and lollipops nice. I was all ready to buy a summer house there when people started warning me that the weather was not, in fact, typical.

Condemned monastery (too easy). 

Nice is not the typical weather? Suddenly it made a lot more sense that the whole place had a weird sort of Florida retiree vibe. And by vibe, I mean, I passed a couple stores that were advertising walkers, and some places that used Bingo as a selling point.

They also had some mini-sea-cliffs.

Hard to traverse with a walker.

It was pretty. And windy. 

Not pictured; the 75,000 snails that live there.

On the whole it was a disappointing day. I went to all the trouble of coming to wales, and I didn't see a single whale.

Much like the rest of my trip, I saw some seagulls:

Unlike the gulls of Bath, this bird is at least thinking about eating sea creatures.